So, I decided to try online dating since I don't really have time to go out and meet people in a normal way (teaching 8 classes at 5 different institutions, as well as coaching debate on the weekend, the commute alone was around 600 miles a week). It worked out before and I actually dated a person for about 3 months (you'll learn about him later), but I broke up with him and wanted to get back on the scene. This is where you'll now meet Inbred Appalachian Man. So, while his pics online were, well, not great, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was just not photogenic. We spoke on the phone twice (I think) before we decided to meet for lunch at the Cheesecake Factory in between where we both lived. The conversations were nothing amazing, but not horrible -- mostly he just talked about the elections, which wasn't a problem because those were pretty important!
The date started with him calling me and telling me he was going to be late. Not a problem because I was running late anyway, but it still allowed me time to get there early and not look lame or rude. I get to the restaurant and ask how long the wait is (30-40 minutes), then sit on a semi-wet bench to wait. Unfortunately, he looks just like his pictures online, so I recognize him right away (not a good sign!). He's texting when I walk up to him and say "Hi Inbred Appalachian Man (I've removed all names to protect identities
), nice to finally meet you!" His reply: "One sec, let me finish this . . . So, what's the deal with this place?" pointing to the restaurant. Yup, that's right, no "Hi," no "Nice to meet you too," no nothing, in fact, no even really looking up when I said hi, he just finished his texting. I said "Oh, um, yeah, they said it was going to be like 30 minutes," to which he said: "Is there any other place we can go?" As it was neither of our cities, we had no other ideas, with the exception of the P.F. Chang's across the way or the food court in the mall the Cheesecake Factory was attached to. He didn't like either of those options, his option? "Why don't we go to the Apple store? I have to ask them some questions anyway." How do you know your first date is going to be horrible? When the best option that either one of you can come up with is to go to the Apple store. We go to the Apple store where he proceeds to yell at the sales/technical people for like 20 minutes while I look around at the iPods and iPhones. Most of my friends choose this point to ask why I didn't leave, but come on, I knew it would only become a better story the longer I stayed! After the Apple store we went to wait for our table at the Cheesecake Factory and he saw some metal benches we could sit and wait at. The problem was, it had been raining that day and so they were kind of wet. There was one dry spot, which he promptly took, leaving me standing and saying something like "I guess I'll just stand, my butt's a little damp from sitting on the bench waiting for you to get here. No problem!" His reply? "Well, if it's already a little wet, why not just sit on the wet bench? It's not a big difference." Yeah. So eventually he scooted over and let me sit in the dry spot, then it was time to attempt conversation. I asked him about his job, and he started telling me about it (sales for a "multi-million dollar software company"), all the while watching every since woman who walked in front of us to go into the mall, and when I say watching, I mean literally turning his head while they passed. It was actually hilarious! It was so rude and unexpected, I actually enjoyed it because I was starting to think that the date could get no worse. We finally got our table and began lunch. I ordered a soda, lunch salad and cheesecake, he ordered a soda, appetizer, dinner-sized entree and cheesecake (this comes in to play later). The whole lunch he would only talk if I asked him questions, and even then, he only wanted to talk about politics. I tried to see if he'd start a conversation on his own, but instead of conversing, we sat in silence for five minutes until I said something. We finally got the cheesecake and he said he had to use the restroom. Like seven minutes later he still wasn't back, and rather than being mad that he may have left me with the bill, I was happy to pay the bill if it meant that I would never have to see him again! Unfortunately, he came back and we had to suffer through cheesecake (not all of it, though, I asked for half of mine to be boxed up). Finally the bill came, and I, of course, offered to pay half. He said no, it was okay, then opened the folder the bill was in. He looked down and said "Oh my gosh!!!" and snapped the folder shut with a look of horror. It was ridiculous! I mean, lunch at the Cheesecake Factory?! Seriously?! So I again offered to pay half, saying "really, it's no problem." But he insisted on paying it all (I mean, it seriously couldn't have been that much, and if it was, it was mostly his food, so what's the shock?). I was just very happy to finally be leaving! So we walked out and he asked where my car was. I pointed to the right and asked where his was -- he pointed left (thank goodness!!). I said goodbye and was hoping to just leave, but he reached out to hug me. Here's the deal: he was 6'4" and I'm 5'4", so I was assuming that he, like virtually all tall guys I've ever hugged, would bend down a little. I put my arm up to go over his shoulder (if I hugged where my arm naturally fell, it would have been around his chest, and I certainly didn't want that), but he didn't bend down. So, my face went right into his armpit. Yup, a face full of armpit was the end of the date. I couldn't have imagined a better ending to such a horrible date!Anyway, so there's the story that made people ask me to start this blog. I have several other stories that I'll try to get up here ASAP, as well as stories that happen with dates as they happen. Hopefully it was interesting, and hopefully my writing can do the Inbred Appalachian Man and my date with him appropriate justice!
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